So for about 30 minutes, we are introduced to various members of the Chautauqua troupe and the people of Boringtown, USA. They are a mostly colorless bunch*. 

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There’s the local lady who gets free tickets for her and her daughter** and the little African American boy*** who is the daughter’s friend. There’s the local Five and Dime owner, played by a young Dabney Coleman, who’s character is like every Dabney Coleman character. Which is to say a dick****. There is a brief cameo appearance by Vincent Price, playing a character named Mr. Morality whose act consists of talking to audiences about, well, morality. There’s the put-upon lady who runs the tent where the children go while their parents go to the shows. It’s basically a day care center for a bunch of unruly brats. She plays piano while one after another the kids get up and sing***** for the other kids, who paint and cry and fight. 

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At this point, I got to thinking, “What the hell was Chautauqua anyway, and was it actually like this?” So I paused and looked it up. And yep, it was pretty close to this. Turns out Chautauqua was the staid, boring, Christian-y cousin to Vaudeville. They both toured around the country during the late 1800s and early 1900s and entertained people. Chautauqua entertained people by educating and enlightening them. Vaudeville did it by actually being entertaining.

So I tried to get past how much better this movie would be if it was about a Vaudeville company and soldiered on. 

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Eventually Elvis starts showing up and earning his paycheck. He’s playing the new boss of the company, Walter Hale, and the guy he walks around with constantly is the ex-boss, I think. Walter’s job seems to be walking around, getting stopped by someone, pulling a fresh cigar out of his right hand breast pocket, lighting it up, listening to the person’s complaint, looking bemused, blowing them off, and moving on.

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Walter’s main Trouble is Charlene, the baby-sitter/piano player. Turns out she’s also the union steward for the troupe, and she’s got issues with the way the workers are being treated. The movie is getting close to the middle, and we finally find out it should have been called The Trouble With Union Busting.
 

Meanwhile, the little side plots develop. Dabney and Buffy’s mom are having an affair and they have a fight. Also, Dabney is a gambler who is losing money to one of the guys in the troupe, who’s probably stacking the deck, and they have a fight. Also, Dabney’s dead body is found in a lake by a Chautauqua swimming instructor. What the actual ???

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OK, now we’re an hour in, and The Trouble With Girls has become The Trouble With Finding A Dead Body This Late In A Movie. 

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The locals quickly decide that the murderer is the card cheat who’s on tour with the troupe. This is bad news for Walter, because other towns on the tour are getting wind of the murder and  cancelling their upcoming dates. Luckily, while talking to Charlene, she lets it slip that she overheard Buffy’s mom and Dabney having a fight when she went to the Five and Dime the day his body was found. Walter finds Buffy’s mom and has an awkward conversation that convinces him that she’s the murderer. He plants the seed that she would be fine if she says it happened in self defense.

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That leaves 15 minutes to get her to confess in front of the whole town as part of the last Chautauqua performance. She shows up ready to do it, but is so drunk she passes out. That leaves Walter no choice. He has to go on stage and perform some songs. I mean, what else could he do?

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“Clean Up Your Own Backyard”****** is solid, and the duet “Signs Of The Zodiac” is campy but fun. “Almost” is a clunker, as was “Swing Down Sweet Chariot,” which Walter sang earlier in the movie when the lead singer of the gospel group got sick, and he had to step in. All of the songs in The Trouble With Girls feel like Elvis wasn’t even trying. Maybe because he had just put all of his effort into the 68 Comeback Special.*******

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The narrator, who’d been AWOL since the beginning of the movie, turns back up at the end to let us know, as the troupe leaves town on a train, that Chautauqua’s days were numbered, soon to be put to sleep by radio and talking picture. It’s a fitting end for Chautauqua and the movie.

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ACTING: 6 Elvises

MUSICAL PERFORMANCES: 3 Elvises

BEST SONG: “Clean Up Your Own Backyard”

STUNTS: Walking, talking, smoking.

CRINGE FACTOR: At one point Walter punches the drunk lady “to soberer up.” And instructs other people to do the same. Racism directed at the African American boy, which, to the movie’s credit, is presented in a bad light.

KISSIN’: One, with the union rep, because why not throw in some sexual harassment?

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*Yes, I mean that in every possible sense.

**Buffy from Family Affair. Or maybe Jodie. I can never remember. Whichever one was the girl…

***I said “mostly.”

****I’ll be honest. I never liked Dabney Coleman’s acting. 

*****One of them is a very young Susan Olsen, with the same lisp and pigtails that became her trademark as Cindy Brady.

******Co-written by Mac Davis

*******Which kicks ass.

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